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Facebook’s 25 Things Movement from a Billion Years Ago


I don’t have a facebook account, but I used to.  I deleted it because it began to make me angry on a daily, but more often hourly basis.  It annoys the heck out of me, mostly because my suburban brethren enjoy way too many Bud Lights and cookouts, no matter the season. I also hate those friends that are city dwellers, as they insist on informing me of every restaurant/bar/lounge/club/rave/diner/brownstone/opening/blah/blah/blizah that they’ve ever attended.  I know how much money you make – you aren’t a fucking socialite.  I’ve also been to a boatload of these and they all suck (at least until everyone has had twelve martinis).  Basically, and I know I’m not breaking any new ground here, I don’t care what you people are doing.  At all.  Ever.  I only care about myself, just not enough to inform another 400 people that I am fucking vacuuming.  Anyway, the one thing I do appreciate about facebook is that I can log in at any time – even though my account is cancelled – and get all of my contacts and information back where I left it. I also get a kick out of cancelling my account and checking the, this is temporary, I’ll be back box as if I am keeping Mark Zuckerberg hopeful for my impending return. Anyway, some people told me they liked a few of my facebook “notes” that I wrote. I never understood the point of this feature, so I tried to be clever in mine. Those of you with facebook will surely remember the crazy 25 Things pandemic of the spring of 2009. Enjoy:

The 25 Most Important Things You Will Ever Read in Your LifeShare
Sunday, February 1, 2009 at 2:29pm | Edit Note | Delete
Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I have 12 fingers

2. I eat eight thousand dollars every morning for breakfast with McDonald’s sweet and sour sauce on the side.

3. I once roofied my own coffee.

4. I think if you mix cheese with eggs you are letting the terrorists win.

5. I wish Major League Baseball would switch to aluminum bats and superballs. HR record would swell to like 12 or 13 hundred.

6. Advertising helps me decide where to devote my bucks.

7. When people tell cliched or obvious jokes, I wish them dead.

8. I think that people who refer to themselves as macho, loose cannons, ill tempered, etc. should have Billy Wagner whip fastballs off of their faces.

9. I’m still trying to figure out the answer to the following question: who would win in a fight? Shaq or Mr. T.

10. I have three cell phones, one house phone, the internet, two beepers, a pay phone, a mailbox, a smoke signal, a call pigeon, a courier, and two cans attached by string. I’ve got to stay connected.

11. I feel like people don’t build forts like they used to.

12. I think claymation is the biggest waste of anyone’s time. 13. Debating about prefacing everything I say with “Now hear this.”

14. Ice Cube is BY FAR my favorite actor of all time. Jack Nicholson is a distant second.

15. I think that the people who go to 3D movies and reach out and try and touch the 3D things should be put in charge of something.

16. I can’t understand how Kevin McHale was twice named NBA’s sixth man when he was a member of the Celtics starting 5.

17. Speaking of the Celtics, it makes me fume when I see all of the Adidas logos plastered all over their apparel.

18. I was 6’2” in 1998 but for some reason, I’m only checking in at 6’1” now.

19. I can’t believe we have chicken fingers yet no steak fingers.

20. I feel like if someone invented an honest cure for the hangover, he or she would go down in history as the most important human being of all time.

21. I have no idea what would happen if Jesus Christ and Mohammed met each other at Six Flags.

22. I feel like if I applied myself I could probably make an NFL practice squad for special teams.

23. I once ate chicken and eggs at the same time and then thought how strange it would be if they were family.

24. When I’m on facebook, I consider it “working from home” because it involves a laptop and typing ability.

25. I’d kill to have the following words or phrases retired from the American lexicon : cougar, bling, lol, homie, that’s tight, if, the, and, or, but, sham-wow, as-seen-on-tv, basketball IQ, fire retardent, spam, widget, midget, fidget, and berry or berries. Thank you and good day.

Here’s another one:

Here Goes Nuthin’ ! ! !Share
Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 1:03pm | Edit Note | Delete

So I’m sitting on my couch watching the Karate Kid II on a Saturday (today) morning. It happens to be on channel 826 which is the Family Channel in HD. Anyhoo. It became odd because I was wondering who would spend budgeted dollars for advertising on advertisements at this hour on this strange channel. Spoiler alert: I found out. Apparently, Music Telvision (Mtv) has it in their financial statements that it’s okay to waste money on visual ads in the noontime hour on an obscure channel on an obscure Saturday. What ad, you ask? Oh, just a simple teaser for “The Hills” box set. I truly, truly believe that the United States of America should employ an entire sector of the Government to keep an ongoing file on those who purchase this item. First, you must possess a mental illness to make this purchase. Second, you must have no idea how to allocate funds. Third, well, there is no third. I am a human being and I actually spend twenty-two minutes at a time watching the Hills. Through this process I have been able to surmise that I never need to re-watch an episode. Ever. Each episode hemmorrhages brain cells from my fertile brain and coincidingly makes me angry. Sadly, the ad-wizards at Music Telivision are pushing this crap to teens. Sadly, I’m writing about this. Triumphantly, I must return to listening to Riahnna on my iPhone whilst Karate Kid II plays on mute in the background. Sadly, I unmuted it to watch the aforementioned commercial. Thanks for playing and have a lovely day.

I’m sure you enjoyed this little slice of life. As you were.

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